Suckerberg refuses to have additional breast implant surgery; Facebook staff grows increasingly concerned over Founder’s well-being.

During an interview conducted with Mashable’s Ben Parr, Suckerberg stated that he will not undergo a second breast augmentation and plans to remain as the man-thing with one boob.

“Lately people have been calling me cyclops, I kind of like how that sounds. It’s definitely a better name than Mark.” Suckerberg continued to explain how plans to change his name once again to “better fit” the person he is today. “I really like the name Uno Tit Suckerberg; it sounds Spanish and exotic!”

Suckerberg had changed his mind about having the additional surgery after watching clips of himself on Saturday Night Live. “I noticed that having one large lump on my chest looked really good on camera. Besides, I lost my other nipple tassel. If I can’t wear them both, then I refuse to have two breasts.”

I had called the Facebook headquarters and spoke to Vice President of Global Communications, Marketing and Public Policy Elliot Schrage. “This guy [Suckerberg] just gets stranger and stranger everyday. One day he’s here dressed in his normal North Face getup, the next he’s prancing around in assless chaps and high heels screaming at everyone to ‘tuck it.’ Not only do I have absolutely no idea what this man is talking about, but I am truly concerned for his well-being.”

Schrage further explained how he observed Suckerberg yelling at inanimate objects in the staff cafeteria. “He was accusing a chair of raping his mind at the exact same time an elementary school tour walked by. All of those poor children were subjected to his insane ramblings. This is destroying the company reputation!”

What does the future hold for Facebook? Only time will tell.

And yes, this is entirely made up.


Man of the Year to change his name to “Suckerberg” after massive gay orgy.

An anonymous source revealed today that Mark Zuckerberg plans to change his name to “Suckerberg” after attending the Stanford Alumnus Pain Train Society’s (SAPTS) annual TuckFest After Party; during which he engaged in what is being referred to as “hardcore gay shit.”

Suckerberg was overheard telling people that the orgy was much similar to a battlefield. “He described it to very similar to The Matrix. However, instead of bullets he was avoiding human discharge.”

The source continued to further explain how Suckerberg “ran into the room just screaming ‘ASS TO MOUTH IN THE LIVING ROOM RIGHT FREAKING NOW!’ Of course, no one wanted to participate due to the fact that Suckerberg still only has one implant.”

Suckerberg later released a public statement defending his name change. “I will disown everyone who refuses to call me by my new name. I thought I was good at Facebook but recent events have brought me to the conclusion that my true skill sets are in other ventures. I can’t help the fact that I give some good dome. My milkshake brings ALL DA BOYS to my yard.”

Once again, I wish the best to Suckerberg. May you find stability in your transformation.