An anonymous source revealed today that Mark Zuckerberg plans to change his name to “Suckerberg” after attending the Stanford Alumnus Pain Train Society’s (SAPTS) annual TuckFest After Party; during which he engaged in what is being referred to as “hardcore gay shit.”
Suckerberg was overheard telling people that the orgy was much similar to a battlefield. “He described it to very similar to The Matrix. However, instead of bullets he was avoiding human discharge.”
The source continued to further explain how Suckerberg “ran into the room just screaming ‘ASS TO MOUTH IN THE LIVING ROOM RIGHT FREAKING NOW!’ Of course, no one wanted to participate due to the fact that Suckerberg still only has one implant.”
Suckerberg later released a public statement defending his name change. “I will disown everyone who refuses to call me by my new name. I thought I was good at Facebook but recent events have brought me to the conclusion that my true skill sets are in other ventures. I can’t help the fact that I give some good dome. My milkshake brings ALL DA BOYS to my yard.”
Once again, I wish the best to Suckerberg. May you find stability in your transformation.
The world is familiar with his innovative product, yet there are many sides to Mark Zuckerberg we may not know. For instance, he could quite possibly be contemplating his gender. In a recent telephone conversation with Mark Zuckerberg, he revealed to me dresses, lipstick and firm breasts look good on his “womanly figure.”
“I see nothing wrong throwing on a wig, a little make up, and a sexy black dress. Why can’t I make myself attractive too? Why do women have to have all the fun?” Zuckerberg defends his new fashion influence on the need to appeal to his social media demographic. “I noticed that girls tend to get more attention online, and I mean we all know me, I love attention!” I asked Zuckerberg to send me a picture of him in his favorite getup, which has got to be the biggest mistake of my life.
Upon seeing this picture, I screamed in absolute terror. Alarmed by my reaction, Zuckerberg began to further explain himself. “Look, I get it. I’m not that pretty, yet. I have an appointment to finish my breast augmentation. The other one will be put in next month. Then I will seek professional help with my cosmetics and clothing. Right now I’m just playing in my girlfriend’s closet when she isn’t around.”
Confused by his response, I asked to see what he was referring to by only having one breast. In return, I received this picture.
“See, the left is clearly bigger than the right. Now I know how women feel about not being proportionate. I didn’t think it would have been such a problem at first, but now I wish I got them both done at the same time.”
I quickly reminded Zuckerberg that is he a weird ass man. He responded with “well, we can’t all be winners. I think I’m sexy and that is all that matters. Since my transformation, my Facebook fans have doubled. Da boys all want me!”
I asked Zuckerberg if he plans to go public with his new appearance. “Yes! Get ready for me world. In December I plan to model for Calvin Klein. I think this will drastically help Facebook’s user participation.”
I asserted my opinion and told him that he will probably regret this in the near future. “Never! I am the best of both worlds right now! I want to look just like Britney Spears. I think I am definitely heading in the right direction.”
Needless to say, I have yet to speak to Zuckerberg since this conversation. I wish the best to him and his family. Clearly, it is needed.