Suckerberg refuses to have additional breast implant surgery; Facebook staff grows increasingly concerned over Founder’s well-being.

During an interview conducted with Mashable’s Ben Parr, Suckerberg stated that he will not undergo a second breast augmentation and plans to remain as the man-thing with one boob.

“Lately people have been calling me cyclops, I kind of like how that sounds. It’s definitely a better name than Mark.” Suckerberg continued to explain how plans to change his name once again to “better fit” the person he is today. “I really like the name Uno Tit Suckerberg; it sounds Spanish and exotic!”

Suckerberg had changed his mind about having the additional surgery after watching clips of himself on Saturday Night Live. “I noticed that having one large lump on my chest looked really good on camera. Besides, I lost my other nipple tassel. If I can’t wear them both, then I refuse to have two breasts.”

I had called the Facebook headquarters and spoke to Vice President of Global Communications, Marketing and Public Policy Elliot Schrage. “This guy [Suckerberg] just gets stranger and stranger everyday. One day he’s here dressed in his normal North Face getup, the next he’s prancing around in assless chaps and high heels screaming at everyone to ‘tuck it.’ Not only do I have absolutely no idea what this man is talking about, but I am truly concerned for his well-being.”

Schrage further explained how he observed Suckerberg yelling at inanimate objects in the staff cafeteria. “He was accusing a chair of raping his mind at the exact same time an elementary school tour walked by. All of those poor children were subjected to his insane ramblings. This is destroying the company reputation!”

What does the future hold for Facebook? Only time will tell.

And yes, this is entirely made up.

University consensus proves that Ben Parr is the dumbest person in America.

Yes, this is FAKE!

He is known for his acclaimed work with Mashable, yet he is rumored to be the Hitler of happiness and joy in the world. Not only that, 100% of University of Oregon students agree that he is the dumbest person alive.

Students at the University of Oregon participated in a survey discussing the importance and influence of Ben Parr over the general public. Results showed that absolutely no one knows who he is, and those that do find him to be completely boring.

“Ben Parr is so dull, he is almost interesting enough for iJustine to date.” said student Chelsea Fryoff. “And that says a lot, that bitch is a drag.”

The study further shows that Ben Parr’s articles offer little to no substance to the educational enrichment towards the social media world.

“That Ben Parr guy? Yeah, he’s an idiot.” University of Oregon’s School of Journalism and Communication student Cody James continued to explain that absolutely every article he has read of Parr’s has proven to be of no value. “It’s like reading something that someone clearly typed with their forehead.”

“Reading anything of Ben Parr’s is like falling asleep while having sex. You know you’re supposed to be enjoying it, but you just can’t feel anything. What’s the point of even trying?” Student Jennifer Butler states.