The Cover Letter I Actually Want to Submit

Hello Potential Employer,

 

At this point and time in my life, please understand that I am feeling exhausted, beaten down, and slightly depressed at the fact I must go through this job seeking process once again. Though I am a positive and upbeat person in my everyday life, this is a touchy subject for me. More than anything do I want to be employed at a place that gives me the opportunity to do what I am best at, pays and treats me wells, and guarantees me long term employment. However, this is so hard to find!

 

As you pick up my resume and look at it, you will notice that in fact I HAVE NOT worked at an advertising agency like Wieden + Kennedy. I did not spend a couple years there and then bounce around to various other creative agencies. No, I do not have the “agency experience” directly. However, isn’t that a good thing?!

 

I am someone who has gone against the grain. I have found opportunities to communicate and influence communities without having to use a big company name for any sort of validation. I have built all of this ON MY OWN! Does this not prove how hard of a worker I am? Does this not prove that even though I’ve been rejected and turned down so many times, that none of that will stop me!? Doesn’t this also prove that if you gave me a chance and invested that opportunity into me, I would stay and constantly work hard for you?

 

It’s just amazing to me that my friends and coworkers all see how much of a hardworking and successful person I strive to be, yet I never seem to be good enough for a job. I need to have these skills, know more about this and that, I should of worked here and there… the list never ends! How come you can’t recognize the potential from my past experience and offer someone like me a shot? You’re aware that many talented and brilliant minds do not (and may never) work at a well-known advertising agency. Just because someone has worked somewhere “big” before does not at all mean they have half the passion that someone like me does.

 

Just give me a chance. Meet me in person! I love talking to and meeting new people. But please ask me good questions too. We all know that it is impossible to get along with everyone, but when in a work environment I know how to be polite and productive. Obviously I need money, but I want to work here to satisfy a piece of soul that is tossing and turning. And of course I’m not perfect, I have flaws, but I am open to feedback so that I can learn and change for the better!

 

I feel I could go on and on, but I sadly must return to applying to jobs that I will be instantly rejected from. If you feel up for doing something different, please let me know! I am more than ready to go!

 

Thank you,

Lauren

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My failed business ventures and the lessons I’ve learned.

failed-biz

Success: it’s hard to come by. Being an accomplished entrepreneur is something that I have attempted to achieve for nearly my entire existence. The business ventures I looked into beginning have all varied, and failed. Though some of these have been more difficult to move past than others, I have still gained valuable life lessons. I wanted to share with you my failures, why they failed, and what I had gained in return.

1) “Poo Poo Coffee” — Age 4-5

As many children enjoy doing, I wanted to run my own beverage stand. Instead of going the typical lemonade and coffee route, I wanted to do something “revolutionary” and introduce the public to a new refreshing drink. Thus, came the birth of Poo Poo Coffee.

What it was.

Unlike most cold, carbonated sodas, Poo Poo coffee was created by shaking a Diet Coke can, dumping it into a cup in which it sat there for a few hours and occasionally adding some water or other beverages to it. The idea of this came to me from being a curious child who enjoy making disgusting concoctions. Before setting up a stand, I forced my family to try it. Though they apparently looked like they were going to throw up, all I was told was that it “tasted good.”

Why it failed.

Poo Poo Coffee tasted just like what it’s called, absolute shit. Not to mention, this was not an original product. I did not create the formula, but rather destroyed a perfectly fine tasting one instead. Also when the “business” was up and running, I failed to take into consideration how necessary things such as cups are. I had only one massive glass that I assumed was good for everyone to drink out of. Surprisingly, I only had one customer who I did pull from the streets. The (obviously) confused woman paid me 25 cents, drank from the cup, and went along her way. Needless to say, Poo Poo Coffee did not stay open after that.

What I learned.

Poo Poo Coffee is disgusting and no one wants it.

2) “Summer Camp for Kids Younger Than Me” — Age 8

During a summer spent at my father’s house, I came up with the idea to open a summer camp for kids who were younger than me. I honestly believed that I was not only responsible enough, but would have been able to provided all the needed services to keep a group of small children occupied and entertained.

What it was.

Honestly, I had just dragged a table out in the front yard, had a few pieces of paper, and my younger brother playing next to me to start the “registration process.” The idea was to have parents leave their children with me, I would read to the kids and provide other educational services, take the children on walks to the playground nearby, and share my toys with them. After informing my dad of what I wanted to do, he sarcastically approved of me making handwritten signs with his address and phone number to be posted all over the neighborhood (which I in fact did).

Why it failed.

I was an eight year old child, not an adult. I’m also fairly certain that it would have been very illegal for me to have even tried doing something like this. Not to mention, I definitely was not responsible enough to feed, care, or even try to “teach” children younger than me.

What I learned.

Children shouldn’t open up summer camps, but rather attend them instead. Handwritten signs lose almost all validity, and it’s probably not a good idea to put my dad’s address and phone number up everywhere.

3) “University of Oregon House Party” — Age 21-22

After “becoming of age,” I found myself more drawn to house music and wanted to go dancing constantly. I also discovered the amazing power of social media websites such as Twitter, and used it to talk to some of my favorite musicians. With the guidance of a mentor, I felt inspired to create a “house party” at the Univeristy of Oregon.

What it was.

The idea was to have a massive dance party in one of the biggest lawns on campus. With the help and support of some non-profits, internationally recognized performers were going to be flown out for a show that was going to be free for the general public. Some local performers were going to open, and booths were to be surrounding the venue for people to shop and eat at. It was going to happen at night on a weekend towards the very end of the year so that students would have been able to attend.

Why it failed.

I was able to get everything donated to me (including the performer’s time) except for the flights. Though the “house party” was aimed to raise awareness for a good cause along with offering entertainment, not one airline cared to donate to it. Thus, it never happened.

What I learned.

This was possibly the biggest heartbreak for me. More than anything, I wanted this event to happen. I had worked and stressed so long on it, only to have it all blow up in my face. I learned how to cope with not succeeding like this. This failure also showed me that I am capable to achieving a lot in a small amount of time, regardless if it was fully executed or not. I also learned that I have the ability to pitch and sell musicians to perspective clients without ever having them listen to one song.

4) “ENTILT” — Age 23-24

After graduating from college and being continously rejected from perspective jobs, I felt inclined to try and start my very own business. “ENTILT” was crafted from an original idea of mine, and expanded with the help of a couple partners.

What it was.

The idea behind “ENTILT,” was that it was an entertainment based company that offered various services, a publication, and a clothing line. With the help of my partners, we all were able to provide a multitude of options to help with branding and expanding the growth of potential clients. My partners and I decided it was best to list our previous clients to others to help develop a strong portfolio of our work.

Why it failed.

Though we met often to discuss what we wanted to do, I felt that I was the only one putting in work behind the company. I had created a decent website, was the only one to list my past clients, and created presentations to send to potential sponsors. My partners didn’t contribute as much simply because it was a bad time for them to do so. And I suppose it was for me as well. Not to mention, we had too many ideas and didn’t create a simple enough plan to initially start off with. It would have been wise for us to have focused on only one aspect of the company, rather than three at once.

What I learned.

Simplify. Simplify. Simplify. Do not take on too many obstacles at once. It’s also important to team up with people who are on the same page and who are ready to take on such a commitment. And I’m sure it wouldn’t have hurt to have worked somewhere else first in order to gain more experience before creating my own company.

I have faith that in some point and time in my life, I will be a successful entrepreneur. I believe that I will be able to finally craft up the perfect idea and be able to find the sponsors needed to make it flourish. Though it may take some time, I’m greatful for everything I have experienced professionally while growing up. Sometimes failure is necessary so that we can learn how to avoid it in the future. With that in mind, stay tuned as I’m sure I’ll have another “brillant” start-up idea here soon.

Suckerberg refuses to have additional breast implant surgery; Facebook staff grows increasingly concerned over Founder’s well-being.

During an interview conducted with Mashable’s Ben Parr, Suckerberg stated that he will not undergo a second breast augmentation and plans to remain as the man-thing with one boob.

“Lately people have been calling me cyclops, I kind of like how that sounds. It’s definitely a better name than Mark.” Suckerberg continued to explain how plans to change his name once again to “better fit” the person he is today. “I really like the name Uno Tit Suckerberg; it sounds Spanish and exotic!”

Suckerberg had changed his mind about having the additional surgery after watching clips of himself on Saturday Night Live. “I noticed that having one large lump on my chest looked really good on camera. Besides, I lost my other nipple tassel. If I can’t wear them both, then I refuse to have two breasts.”

I had called the Facebook headquarters and spoke to Vice President of Global Communications, Marketing and Public Policy Elliot Schrage. “This guy [Suckerberg] just gets stranger and stranger everyday. One day he’s here dressed in his normal North Face getup, the next he’s prancing around in assless chaps and high heels screaming at everyone to ‘tuck it.’ Not only do I have absolutely no idea what this man is talking about, but I am truly concerned for his well-being.”

Schrage further explained how he observed Suckerberg yelling at inanimate objects in the staff cafeteria. “He was accusing a chair of raping his mind at the exact same time an elementary school tour walked by. All of those poor children were subjected to his insane ramblings. This is destroying the company reputation!”

What does the future hold for Facebook? Only time will tell.

And yes, this is entirely made up.

Man of the Year to change his name to “Suckerberg” after massive gay orgy.

An anonymous source revealed today that Mark Zuckerberg plans to change his name to “Suckerberg” after attending the Stanford Alumnus Pain Train Society’s (SAPTS) annual TuckFest After Party; during which he engaged in what is being referred to as “hardcore gay shit.”

Suckerberg was overheard telling people that the orgy was much similar to a battlefield. “He described it to very similar to The Matrix. However, instead of bullets he was avoiding human discharge.”

The source continued to further explain how Suckerberg “ran into the room just screaming ‘ASS TO MOUTH IN THE LIVING ROOM RIGHT FREAKING NOW!’ Of course, no one wanted to participate due to the fact that Suckerberg still only has one implant.”

Suckerberg later released a public statement defending his name change. “I will disown everyone who refuses to call me by my new name. I thought I was good at Facebook but recent events have brought me to the conclusion that my true skill sets are in other ventures. I can’t help the fact that I give some good dome. My milkshake brings ALL DA BOYS to my yard.”

Once again, I wish the best to Suckerberg. May you find stability in your transformation.

University consensus proves that Ben Parr is the dumbest person in America.

Yes, this is FAKE!

He is known for his acclaimed work with Mashable, yet he is rumored to be the Hitler of happiness and joy in the world. Not only that, 100% of University of Oregon students agree that he is the dumbest person alive.

Students at the University of Oregon participated in a survey discussing the importance and influence of Ben Parr over the general public. Results showed that absolutely no one knows who he is, and those that do find him to be completely boring.

“Ben Parr is so dull, he is almost interesting enough for iJustine to date.” said student Chelsea Fryoff. “And that says a lot, that bitch is a drag.”

The study further shows that Ben Parr’s articles offer little to no substance to the educational enrichment towards the social media world.

“That Ben Parr guy? Yeah, he’s an idiot.” University of Oregon’s School of Journalism and Communication student Cody James continued to explain that absolutely every article he has read of Parr’s has proven to be of no value. “It’s like reading something that someone clearly typed with their forehead.”

“Reading anything of Ben Parr’s is like falling asleep while having sex. You know you’re supposed to be enjoying it, but you just can’t feel anything. What’s the point of even trying?” Student Jennifer Butler states.

Dennis Crowley to press charges against 5-year-old boy for defamation.

THIS IS A JOKE PEOPLE! OMG.

Today during a Twitter direct message conversation with Dennis Crowley, he announced to me plans to follow through with pressing charges against kindergartener Christopher Haines after slanderous remarks were exchanged last week.

“I went there to make friends, not be called a jerk! My reputation is RUINED! Everyone thinks I’m a joke.” Crowley expressed that during a special visit to a local playground, that “for no reason” Haines had approached him, pointed his finger in Crowley’s face, called him a “jerk” and made all the other little kids laugh at him. “I’m not a jerk! Who does this kid think he is? He doesn’t know me!”

The conversation with Crowley was cut short when it became apparent he was emotionally distraught.

At 12:30 PM on Tuesday Nov. 30, I received the following direct message:
“Why did he have to be so mean? Am I really a jerk? Why doesn’t anyone like me! I hope mom brings a cookie home for me.”

Shortly followed by:
“:””””””'((((((((((((”
“This is matter of civil justice! My basic human rights have been violated! I will not stand for this.”

You show that kid who’s mayor of the playground.

Mark Zuckerberg has implants, enjoys dressing in drag.

The world is familiar with his innovative product, yet there are many sides to Mark Zuckerberg we may not know. For instance, he could quite possibly be contemplating his gender. In a recent telephone conversation with Mark Zuckerberg, he revealed to me dresses, lipstick and firm breasts look good on his “womanly figure.”

“I see nothing wrong throwing on a wig, a little make up, and a sexy black dress. Why can’t I make myself attractive too? Why do women have to have all the fun?” Zuckerberg defends his new fashion influence on the need to appeal to his social media demographic. “I noticed that girls tend to get more attention online, and I mean we all know me, I love attention!” I asked Zuckerberg to send me a picture of him in his favorite getup, which has got to be the biggest mistake of my life.

Upon seeing this picture, I screamed in absolute terror. Alarmed by my reaction, Zuckerberg began to further explain himself. “Look, I get it. I’m not that pretty, yet. I have an appointment to finish my breast augmentation. The other one will be put in next month. Then I will seek professional help with my cosmetics and clothing. Right now I’m just playing in my girlfriend’s closet when she isn’t around.”

Confused by his response, I asked to see what he was referring to by only having one breast. In return, I received this picture.

“See, the left is clearly bigger than the right. Now I know how women feel about not being proportionate. I didn’t think it would have been such a problem at first, but now I wish I got them both done at the same time.”

I quickly reminded Zuckerberg that is he a weird ass man. He responded with “well, we can’t all be winners. I think I’m sexy and that is all that matters. Since my transformation, my Facebook fans have doubled. Da boys all want me!”

I asked Zuckerberg if he plans to go public with his new appearance. “Yes! Get ready for me world. In December I plan to model for Calvin Klein. I think this will drastically help Facebook’s user participation.”

I asserted my opinion and told him that he will probably regret this in the near future. “Never! I am the best of both worlds right now! I want to look just like Britney Spears. I think I am definitely heading in the right direction.”

Needless to say, I have yet to speak to Zuckerberg since this conversation. I wish the best to him and his family. Clearly, it is needed.