Do you ever have those moments where you just find yourself in a position and you have no idea how you got there? I’m not necessarily meaning as if you all of a sudden ended up in Hawaii and forgot your journey; or that you no longer have a friendship as someone just disappeared off the face of the earth. But rather that you have found your body in a position and you’re not sure as to why.
Well, that happened to me.
It was a Saturday evening and I had survived a week of emotional abuse from the earth’s forces. My spirits are so low to the point that I feel as if I have no soul left in me. All that is remaining is this body, and yet I still find a will to continue to fight for what is right. As these thoughts are rushing through my empty skull, I look up and realize the position I was in. I was standing upright facing my bedroom mirror. My arms were wrapped around me so tightly and my head was buried into the comforting embrace.
I found that I was hugging myself.
With everything I’ve been enduring, all I need is affection. A simple hug from anyone just makes continuing on so much easier. But I suppose that sometimes we can’t count others to be there for that. Lately I feel as if I am fighting the world on my own. It is a sword fight, everyone has been taking turns in devouring my limbs. I refuse to wave some sort of white flag, but instead I keep my weapon raised high and swing back.
To be completely honest, at this point I feel as if I have no limbs left. I truly feel like I am just a bloody stump, holding a sword in my mouth. I refuse to give up until my head is cut off. Some how I find the ability to keep swinging, to keep fighting these villains off of me. But the blood loss is making me tired, I’m forgetting how to think clearly. I am unable to articulate how I feel, I am unable to fight at my best. I have been pushed into a dark corner and left for dead.
Everyone wants me to die, everyone wants me to fail. They forget that I am a wolf; my mother sure as hell didn’t give birth to a kitten. Though I may cry, though it may be hard to wake up every morning and continue, though the world is against me, I will not stop.
I will not allow someone like you to be the end of me. I will cut my own head off as I bow gracefully.
Keep playing that symphony, I’m not dead yet.