Transformation recap.

Yeah, it’s been awhile since I’ve titled a post “Transformation.” Sorry. Honestly, I just don’t think it’s too amusing to read posts about me working out and eating well on a daily basis. However, right now I’m just trying to focus on having a clear state of mind so I can get through what I need to for school.

As you may have seen, I’ve been posting things that may seem pathetic. But in all honesty, this is the first time I’ve ever publicly opened up about my past. I’m posting this because I want to reach out to people who have been through similar situations, as a way of understanding. And also, I’m trying to say what I’ve been wanting to say for a while but never allowed myself the chance. Not only that, I really want to show everyone who I really am; I’m tried of being so mean and angry all the time. By trying to keep this vengeful-ness alive, I’m hurting myself more and more.

Lately, I’ve been a downright bitch. A cunt even. Or as they scream out out of car windows into New Jersey traffic, a “bitch-cunt.” I have been hostile and unreasonable towards people who do not deserve it. I’m being unforgiving to human error and blaming people for my problems. Bottom line, I am not being responsible for myself; I’m acting like a victim.

Today during an agency meeting, we had a fantastic guest speaker, Pamela Cournoyer. She spoke on how to correct our work habits, accepting ourselves for our work ethic, and understanding how to work with different people. She had an exercise where everyone shouted out a list of qualities in an unpleasant person.
The top four were:

    Flakey
    Negative/Debbie Downer
    Pathetic/Helpless/Victims/Whiners
    No sense of humor/Not fun

After those were said, I realized that I currently am demonstrating these qualities. I am being flakey and unreliable to some of my work. I’m not organizing or prioritizing everything in the manner I should. I’m constantly bitching about something to the point where I even want to tell myself to shut up. I am being so negative, it’s disgusting. I’m acting helpless, I’m whining about everything. I need to just shut the fuck up and do it. Plus, this attitude I have is by no means fun; and I like to be a fun person.

I just feel like I’m not being myself right now because I don’t know how to handle everything I’m dealing with. Writing is very therapeutic for me; If I post something on here I feel so much better. It’s as if once it’s online, it’s off my chest and out of my mind. I don’t need to go back and rehash it or be babied. But at the same time, I do need to allow myself the time to talk to people who are there for me.

The people who have recently stepped into my life are so amazing. One reached out to me on Facebook and messaged me about what I’m trying to deal with. She understands how I feel and is offering to help me even though we are not close friends. The other person is someone who is teaching me why forgiveness is so important. In the past, I was not the best friend towards her. I took our friendship for granted and acted immaturely. However, she’s looking past that and forgiving me for it. I’m so thankful.

I know that lately I have been taking everything for granted. I have not been utilizing my opportunities to the extent that I should be. I have been ungrateful for the friends and family that I do have right now. I need to stop this state of mind that is possessing me right now and be thankful for what I have.

I am sorry for the person I have been towards all of you lately. I honestly, truly am. Though I will probably continue to write overly-sarcastic blog posts about ridiculous stuff, I will continue to make an effort to be a better student/friend/professional/person towards you. This I promise to uphold fully. I want to prove to you all that I am a better person than how I have been lately.

However on “transformation” related crap: I have lost about 10 pounds from just a drastic change in diet. Don’t get me wrong, I take full advantage of those cheat days. But I’m adjusting my eating habits to fit to the recommended foods. Though I’m not 100% off sugar, I am weening off of it slowly but surely. And of course, still doing that African dance and loving it.

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One response

  1. Lauren,

    Thank you for posting this post – your words touch me deeply. I can so remember thinking so many of the thoughts you are experiencing. All I can say is with the great things you are doing for yourself you can and will get beyond this time. Finding who you are is a life-time journey and then learning to live in that skin and love it is a never ending quest. I would love to personally connect with you.

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