If you play the right music, you can get people dancing however you want.

Depeche Mode “Hole To Feed”

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University consensus proves that Ben Parr is the dumbest person in America.

Yes, this is FAKE!

He is known for his acclaimed work with Mashable, yet he is rumored to be the Hitler of happiness and joy in the world. Not only that, 100% of University of Oregon students agree that he is the dumbest person alive.

Students at the University of Oregon participated in a survey discussing the importance and influence of Ben Parr over the general public. Results showed that absolutely no one knows who he is, and those that do find him to be completely boring.

“Ben Parr is so dull, he is almost interesting enough for iJustine to date.” said student Chelsea Fryoff. “And that says a lot, that bitch is a drag.”

The study further shows that Ben Parr’s articles offer little to no substance to the educational enrichment towards the social media world.

“That Ben Parr guy? Yeah, he’s an idiot.” University of Oregon’s School of Journalism and Communication student Cody James continued to explain that absolutely every article he has read of Parr’s has proven to be of no value. “It’s like reading something that someone clearly typed with their forehead.”

“Reading anything of Ben Parr’s is like falling asleep while having sex. You know you’re supposed to be enjoying it, but you just can’t feel anything. What’s the point of even trying?” Student Jennifer Butler states.

Dennis Crowley to press charges against 5-year-old boy for defamation.

THIS IS A JOKE PEOPLE! OMG.

Today during a Twitter direct message conversation with Dennis Crowley, he announced to me plans to follow through with pressing charges against kindergartener Christopher Haines after slanderous remarks were exchanged last week.

“I went there to make friends, not be called a jerk! My reputation is RUINED! Everyone thinks I’m a joke.” Crowley expressed that during a special visit to a local playground, that “for no reason” Haines had approached him, pointed his finger in Crowley’s face, called him a “jerk” and made all the other little kids laugh at him. “I’m not a jerk! Who does this kid think he is? He doesn’t know me!”

The conversation with Crowley was cut short when it became apparent he was emotionally distraught.

At 12:30 PM on Tuesday Nov. 30, I received the following direct message:
“Why did he have to be so mean? Am I really a jerk? Why doesn’t anyone like me! I hope mom brings a cookie home for me.”

Shortly followed by:
“:””””””'((((((((((((”
“This is matter of civil justice! My basic human rights have been violated! I will not stand for this.”

You show that kid who’s mayor of the playground.

Mark Zuckerberg has implants, enjoys dressing in drag.

The world is familiar with his innovative product, yet there are many sides to Mark Zuckerberg we may not know. For instance, he could quite possibly be contemplating his gender. In a recent telephone conversation with Mark Zuckerberg, he revealed to me dresses, lipstick and firm breasts look good on his “womanly figure.”

“I see nothing wrong throwing on a wig, a little make up, and a sexy black dress. Why can’t I make myself attractive too? Why do women have to have all the fun?” Zuckerberg defends his new fashion influence on the need to appeal to his social media demographic. “I noticed that girls tend to get more attention online, and I mean we all know me, I love attention!” I asked Zuckerberg to send me a picture of him in his favorite getup, which has got to be the biggest mistake of my life.

Upon seeing this picture, I screamed in absolute terror. Alarmed by my reaction, Zuckerberg began to further explain himself. “Look, I get it. I’m not that pretty, yet. I have an appointment to finish my breast augmentation. The other one will be put in next month. Then I will seek professional help with my cosmetics and clothing. Right now I’m just playing in my girlfriend’s closet when she isn’t around.”

Confused by his response, I asked to see what he was referring to by only having one breast. In return, I received this picture.

“See, the left is clearly bigger than the right. Now I know how women feel about not being proportionate. I didn’t think it would have been such a problem at first, but now I wish I got them both done at the same time.”

I quickly reminded Zuckerberg that is he a weird ass man. He responded with “well, we can’t all be winners. I think I’m sexy and that is all that matters. Since my transformation, my Facebook fans have doubled. Da boys all want me!”

I asked Zuckerberg if he plans to go public with his new appearance. “Yes! Get ready for me world. In December I plan to model for Calvin Klein. I think this will drastically help Facebook’s user participation.”

I asserted my opinion and told him that he will probably regret this in the near future. “Never! I am the best of both worlds right now! I want to look just like Britney Spears. I think I am definitely heading in the right direction.”

Needless to say, I have yet to speak to Zuckerberg since this conversation. I wish the best to him and his family. Clearly, it is needed.