The weight on my chest lately has been making it hard to breathe. I catch myself as I walking on the sidewalks with headphones in my ears, on the verge of crying. As my eyes water, I’m fighting all of my emotions just to keep it in. I don’t want others to see me like this. I haven’t been sleeping either. I don’t know the last time I was able to fall asleep and not wake up in a state of pure panic. I wake up every hour worrying about everything I need to do. I have so much on my back right now and failure is not an option.
People tell me that they’ve heard this and that about me. To my face, everyone acts like they support me. Yet I hear what people are saying about me behind my back. I see what they are posting online. I remember how they used to treat me before. Haters. All of them. And only because they are jealous and intimidated by me. I’m sorry that I am sick of this mundane life and want something more. I’m sorry that I know what I need to do to make it happen. I’m sorry that I’m trying to make a better life for myself. If you want it so bad then get up and do something.
I won’t forget those people when I make it. Keep running your mouth, I’ll add your name to my list.
I can only depend on myself. My friends are my family, and their support is honestly the only thing keeping me going. I just wish that everyone else had the same support system as I do.
I keep thinking about Suzi. Even though we weren’t the closest, she was one of those people who had such a positive affect on the world around her. It bothers me to know end to know that no one was able to give her the love and support she needed. There were so many red flags, despite what people are saying, and yet they left her on her own. Where was everyone? Where was I? Why didn’t she reach out? What could I have done differently to have prevented this?
Everything is finally starting to catch up to me. I think I might be able to cry soon. I just want everything to happen. I just want everything to workout. I have invested so much of my mental and physical wellbeing into this, I don’t know what I’ll do if it doesn’t happen. I just wish I would get responses back from the people I need to hear from. This is exactly why I hate depending on others. I can’t wait for the day when I won’t have to.
Just got to keep going. Can’t stop. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.
I would really like a giant hug right now.