So I spent the day with the grandparents yesterday. I had all these ideas in my mind of how it was going to be, but ended up leaving incredibily upset.
It started off with a little pampering. My grandpa treated me to a pedicure and manicure. I love him so much. I love that at 67 his interests include tanning, pedicures, and spending time with the 90+ year olds at a near by retirement home. And I love that I get to do these types of activities with him.
However, I couldn’t help but notice the change time has brought upon him. He has clearly gained weight since I was eight. The wrinkles on his face are like a methapor for the stress and pain this man has gone throughout his life. And the pale complexion made me realize how emotionally drained he is. It kills me to see him like this. I have so many memories of spending countless hours with him playing in the blow-up pool in his backyard. God knows how much money we blew at the mall’s arcade for redeemable tickets and tokens. And of course, I had ran his foot over more times then the sun rises with golf carts, riding lawn mowers and cars. He has been one of the only positive male influences in my life and has taught me everything like how to drive cars, how to fix cars, and more importantly, how to care for myself. He is such an amazing person who has had to withstand so much. But as much as I love him, I can’t help but want to distance myself from him.
It’s as if I know that he is getting closer to death, and so because of that, I’m preparing myself now for him not being in my life. But I can’t decide if that is the real reason, or if it’s because I am older and able to realize just how messed up my childhood was and how he nothing to help me. This is being continually thrown into my face, especially since I know my cousins currently are going through worse, and my grandparents had the opportunity to save them. Yet, for their own selfish reasons, once again, they have allowed innocent children suffer.
I am so angry. I just want to scream, cry, and hurt those who are hurting my cousins. My heart is honestly broken and I am so unsure of what to do. I can’t phathom why anyone would want to inflict pain onto a child. How could anyone be that dark and heartless that they would sacrifice the well being of a child for their own selfish pleasures? And what kills me the most is knowing that what my cousin’s and I are/have experienced is nothing compared to what others have to go through. And on a daily basis.
So many people take for granted the lives they are blessed with. So many people don’t realize how fortunate they are to wake up and know that people love and care about them. And so many people have no idea what it’s like to live a life with no happiness.
After the pedicures, my grandpa and I met up with my grandma for some hamburgers at Applebee’s. I almost wish we wouldn’t have. My grandma, who I used to spend so much time with as well, is just decaying before my eyes. The once strong, independent, and happy woman I once knew has completely disappeared. Now, she looks like she is just dead. She pops pain killers like they are vitamins. Watching her trying to eat was like watching a drunk attempt to consume the last drops of their beer. The woman she used to be would never allow for herself to look like that, and in public. My grandmother is so emotionally vacant that she is allowing her self to just slip away, and could care less.
She doesn’t even hug me anymore. She won’t even say that she loves me. She barely even looks at me. And she rather not hear what I’m doing with my life now. How has it come to this? They used to tell everyone that I was the daughter they never had. They were so happy to be around me. They used to love me.
Maybe they know how angry I am with them. Maybe they have realized how their choice to take no action has ruined the lives of almost all of their grandchildren. I wish I could talk to them about it, but I do not know how. At the dinner table it was noticably awkward. We all were avoiding eye contact. Small talk was thrown around, and no one was listening to each other’s answers.
I can’t believe this is what I have for family. This is not fair. But I cannot let this cycle to carry on anymore. I am going to do what I can to fight for my cousins. I am going try to get help. I cannot take after my family and do nothing. I have to do something. But it enrages me that I am the only one who is willing to do something. Why doesn’t anyone else care? Why won’t anyone else try to help these children? WHY?
And to make matters that much worse, apparently I have a new cousin that my Aunt and Uncle have not told the family about. He is almost a month old. I want to see him so bad, but I know that I will never get to see him, or any of my cousins for that matter.
My heart is so broken.