How to Survive in “Tweaker Town” USA

In my public speaking class we were given the opportunity to speak about whatever we wanted. While most of the class spoke on traveling and their favorite past times, I walked into the room full of people and downright offended everyone. Below my speech is posted, please read. (Yes, I actually said all of this.)

Enjoy. 😉


Eugene is changing from what it once was. As a native, I notice these unattractive qualities that it is beginning to adopt. I do understand that Eugene is turning into a “bigger city” and with that comes the increase of tall buildings, crime and a heavy flood of “tweakers” and drunks invading our streets. However, I feel as if not enough is being done to ensure our safety.

According to an article in the Daily Emerald, violent crimes in the first six months of 2007 have increased by 67 percent from the same time period in 2006. Crime in general has increased by 5.7 percent.

The FBI’s preliminary semiannual uniform crime report states that robbery and aggravated assaults have doubled in numbers. Instead of taking any course of action, the Eugene police department is blaming the recent hike in crime rates from “a substantial influence out of Oregon gangs.” My initial reaction after reading this left me wondering if any of these police officers has been to a larger city. What so called “gangs” are raging our streets?

The real source of our problem with the influx of crime comes from Springfield. With the EMX system, every “tweaker” has direct access into Eugene. As the drunk, high and mentally deranged stumbled off the bus, our homes, personal belongings and safety is now in jeopardy. Since our police officers are not taking the action needed in securing us, we must be prepared to seek desperate measures of protection.

From my personal experiences, I have found these tactics to protect me during these dark and challenging times Eugene is facing. I wish all of you the same safety, so here are a couple suggestions I have for you to consider:

1) Head over to McDonalds and fatten up. This may seem absurd, but how many fat people have you heard about being kidnapped? Exactly, none. If you are the size of a boulder, you will be nearly physically impossible to move. Also, the five inches of pure lard that will build up around your body serve as an interior armor. So, if anyone tried to penetrate your skin with a knife (or other random sharp objects), all of your vital organs will be nicely cushioned and safe from serious damage. I am aware that such a substantial amount of weight gain will take tolls on your health. However; I believe that type 2 diabetes is a small price to pay in order to be impregnable. Granted you may experience heavy breathing and excessive sweating; but this leads me to my next idea…

2) Act crazier than your potential attacker. Majority of the questionable characters I see around campus are yelling about God-knows-what or just grunting loudly. Most of what comes out their mouth is incoherent and nonsense; so why shouldn’t you do the same? As you are walking home alone in the middle of the night and you see someone approaching you, unhinge your jaw and allow your vocal cords free range. Consider it an experiment and see how many strange noises you can make at once. If you find that you have difficulty in being comfortable in doing this invest in some liquid courage. Tequila should make you angry enough to want to yell.

3) Now the ultimate form of intimidation is your appearance. Instead of buying that new pair vans why not invest in some steel-toed boots? Who is going to mess with anyone wearing a pair of those? Only those with a death wish. Also, make yourself a few t-shirts that say “Roundhouse kicking champion” or anything that proves that you won some sort of physical competition that gives you specialty in kicking peoples asses. Rub dirt, blood or any other type of excrement on your face. The dirtier you look the better.

Now to ultimately protect yourself, combine all three. What would be your initial thought if you saw a 300+ pound individual screaming like a lunatic, wearing steel-toed boots with mud smeared all over their face? I’m sure you wouldn’t try to befriend that individual right away.

I am aware that these may be offensive or extreme measures to take, but as I said before these have all worked for me. I have, and currently still am practicing each of these as I walk home from the library every night at three. There is no longer any need to waste your money on pepper sprays, pocket knives or any other form of personal protection. Use your body to its full extent in order to insure your safety. With that note, I hope to see all of you at some point and time trying at least one of these out.

Stay safe.


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