How to Survive in “Tweaker Town” USA

In my public speaking class we were given the opportunity to speak about whatever we wanted. While most of the class spoke on traveling and their favorite past times, I walked into the room full of people and downright offended everyone. Below my speech is posted, please read. (Yes, I actually said all of this.)

Enjoy. 😉


Eugene is changing from what it once was. As a native, I notice these unattractive qualities that it is beginning to adopt. I do understand that Eugene is turning into a “bigger city” and with that comes the increase of tall buildings, crime and a heavy flood of “tweakers” and drunks invading our streets. However, I feel as if not enough is being done to ensure our safety.

According to an article in the Daily Emerald, violent crimes in the first six months of 2007 have increased by 67 percent from the same time period in 2006. Crime in general has increased by 5.7 percent.

The FBI’s preliminary semiannual uniform crime report states that robbery and aggravated assaults have doubled in numbers. Instead of taking any course of action, the Eugene police department is blaming the recent hike in crime rates from “a substantial influence out of Oregon gangs.” My initial reaction after reading this left me wondering if any of these police officers has been to a larger city. What so called “gangs” are raging our streets?

The real source of our problem with the influx of crime comes from Springfield. With the EMX system, every “tweaker” has direct access into Eugene. As the drunk, high and mentally deranged stumbled off the bus, our homes, personal belongings and safety is now in jeopardy. Since our police officers are not taking the action needed in securing us, we must be prepared to seek desperate measures of protection.

From my personal experiences, I have found these tactics to protect me during these dark and challenging times Eugene is facing. I wish all of you the same safety, so here are a couple suggestions I have for you to consider:

1) Head over to McDonalds and fatten up. This may seem absurd, but how many fat people have you heard about being kidnapped? Exactly, none. If you are the size of a boulder, you will be nearly physically impossible to move. Also, the five inches of pure lard that will build up around your body serve as an interior armor. So, if anyone tried to penetrate your skin with a knife (or other random sharp objects), all of your vital organs will be nicely cushioned and safe from serious damage. I am aware that such a substantial amount of weight gain will take tolls on your health. However; I believe that type 2 diabetes is a small price to pay in order to be impregnable. Granted you may experience heavy breathing and excessive sweating; but this leads me to my next idea…

2) Act crazier than your potential attacker. Majority of the questionable characters I see around campus are yelling about God-knows-what or just grunting loudly. Most of what comes out their mouth is incoherent and nonsense; so why shouldn’t you do the same? As you are walking home alone in the middle of the night and you see someone approaching you, unhinge your jaw and allow your vocal cords free range. Consider it an experiment and see how many strange noises you can make at once. If you find that you have difficulty in being comfortable in doing this invest in some liquid courage. Tequila should make you angry enough to want to yell.

3) Now the ultimate form of intimidation is your appearance. Instead of buying that new pair vans why not invest in some steel-toed boots? Who is going to mess with anyone wearing a pair of those? Only those with a death wish. Also, make yourself a few t-shirts that say “Roundhouse kicking champion” or anything that proves that you won some sort of physical competition that gives you specialty in kicking peoples asses. Rub dirt, blood or any other type of excrement on your face. The dirtier you look the better.

Now to ultimately protect yourself, combine all three. What would be your initial thought if you saw a 300+ pound individual screaming like a lunatic, wearing steel-toed boots with mud smeared all over their face? I’m sure you wouldn’t try to befriend that individual right away.

I am aware that these may be offensive or extreme measures to take, but as I said before these have all worked for me. I have, and currently still am practicing each of these as I walk home from the library every night at three. There is no longer any need to waste your money on pepper sprays, pocket knives or any other form of personal protection. Use your body to its full extent in order to insure your safety. With that note, I hope to see all of you at some point and time trying at least one of these out.

Stay safe.


(FAUX NEWS STORY #2) Suspected arson kills 10 people

At least 10 people, including four children, are dead after a suspected arson destroyed a four-story apartment near Streater College last night.

The building, located at 1600 Kearney St. in east Smallville, housed 75 people before two gasoline-soaked mattresses were set ablaze on the second floor around 10 p.m.

Fire Marshal Harold Smythe said that with the destruction of the building it is “highly likely” more dead will be found.

Terry Andersen, 34, was found dead in his third-floor apartment minutes after firefighters arrived on the scene. The cause of his death is unknown at this time; however, according to Olson County Medical Examiner Dr. Helen Trent, most fatalities were due to smoke inhalation.

Andersen was the assistant city manager for the past three years.

According to police officials, he has no known next of kin. Names of the other deceased have yet to be released.

Fire officials also reported that apartments in the vicinity of Kearney Street. and Birch Lane have had four arsons in the past four years, claiming the lives of five Streater College students. None of these reported cases has been solved.

The Olson County Red Cross will provide some emergency shelter for those left homeless.


Lauren Short
January 13, 2009

A dense fog caused accidents that lead to a Herbert Produce semi-trailer to block both lanes of traffic on U.S. highway 101 two miles north of Yachats, which created a 20-vehicle pileup that killed seven and injured more than 30 Tuesday around 8 p.m.

The Oregon Department of Transportation estimates the highway will be cleared by this afternoon. The current detour requires 40 minutes to return to U.S. 101.

Lieutenant Sara Marshall claims this is the worst weather-related accident in the past 30 years. Visibility was reportedly less than 10 feet. Oregon State meteorologist Bernard Sims predicted fog development yesterday after warm costal fronts brought temperatures to low 30s.

Nine remain in serious condition, and all injured parties were taken to Newport’s Northwest Trauma Center. Names of the deceased are withheld until further notification.

Additional information on highway conditions can be found at
(144 words)

A Last Lecture–A Lasting Impression

I just finished watching Dr. Randy Pausch’s YouTube broadcast of his last lecture taught at Carnegie Mellon. Dr.Pausch is by far one of the greatest people to have ever lived. He was a beautiful person in every aspect. I found myself in tears near the end of his lecture. To know that such a remarkable person, who was in his condition, could have such a positive outlook on everything gives hope for humanity. This video is long, but I hope that all of you can find the time to watch this. It is life changing and all of us have something to learn from him.

Rest in Peace Dr. Randy Pausch.

My Letter to Duncan McDonald. Who am I?

Dear Professor McDonald:

Who am I? To be completely honest I have no idea. I could tell you the typical “My name is Lauren and I’m from Eugene,” or I could try to persuade you that I’m something I am not. I could list off my accomplishments, or talk about my failures. I have an opportunity right now to allow those who do not know me well to be familiar with me, and I don’t know how to utilize it.

It is a little interesting that this is assigned at this exact point and time in my life. I feel as though right now I have been going through a self-image crisis and am currently battling with being comfortable in my own skin. I have always been the same person it is just a matter of whether I showcased that or not. I have had my fair share of trust, confidence, and motivation issues; however, I have never let any of these destroy who I am as a person. I have hit rock bottom and picked myself back up. I know that I am in complete control of my future and my destiny. I am human. I make just as many mistakes as anyone else, if not more. But I know that I am capable of achieving anything and everything that I want as long as I apply myself.

I do not want to define who I am simply because I do not want to limit myself. What I can create and imagine cannot be described with a couple adjectives in one page. I want others to comprehend the type of person I am, and I’m willing to put forth the work to prove it. I hope that throughout this class I can confirm to you that I am a hard worker and that I will go far. Above all else, I hope to prove to myself that I am talented and that I have every possible quality needed to pass this class. I want to prove that I have changed and that I am a person with some intellect. I’m ready to take on anything this class has to offer. I am looking forward to the hard work, sweat, blood and tears; but more importantly I’m ready for the challenge.

With respect,

Lauren Short